Day 8: Gabriel, My Gift

Today's my youngest son's 6th birthday...

...and the first time I won't get to be there for his birthday :(

I am blessed that my kids understand. So blessed.

Too blessed that I can't believe God blessed me with such supportive, understanding kids.

God is amazing like that.

Happy Birthday, my Gabriel! You're growing way too fast! I remember writing this about you when you were only 2! May the Lord bless and keep you; may He use you for His glory. Actually, He has already used you in my life to bless me, and He continues to do so. You cheer me up when I'm feeling down, you give me a glass of warm milk in your sippy cup when I'm in tears, you give me a glass of cold water when I'm tired. You're refreshing like that, just like your big brother. I love you very, very much. And, I miss you terribly.

Day 7: The Gift of Pampering

Got my hands and feet pampered today at the Nail Spa; the pedicure was a gift from a friend, and the manicure was...well...my own gift to myself. I don't think the manicure was worth the price, but I'll be thankful, anyway.

Church tonight was great--a message from a missionary doctor to the Micronesian Islands. He talked about the things that are choking us up, the things that inhibit us from being fruitful, the things that need to be uprooted out of our lives...by God's grace.

He shared how he had bought a few acres of land on one of the islands. Trees inhabited that parcel of land--and abundantly so. So much so that they were quite matted and it was very difficult to see the land and where to build the future house. One by one, he cut down and hauled off the trees. Then, he found a tree different from among the rest, one with thorns, overgrown, and in the place of where he had wanted to build his house. He thought it could probably be a citrus tree, so instead of cutting it down, he chopped off the excess branches and weeds enveloping it so that the sun could actually shine through. He removed the other trees surrounding it, and started to fertilize the soil around it.

He started pampering the neglected tree that was choking from all of the other things wrapped around it!

Soon, leaves started to sprout out of the branches. He patiently waited for the fruit, not sure of what it was just yet. As the days went by, the tree started to bare much fruit!

Lime!

He loved lime juice! He made enough for himself, his family, and soon enough, for the neighbors in the community! A lot of people began to benefit from this once-neglected tree that no one even knew about!

The tree had essentially been dead, but with much pampering, it grew and bare fruit...enough to satisfy a lot of people around it.

Wow.

We could be like that tree, choking from all of the cares of this world.

We could also choose to be like that missionary, who chose to pamper that tree, and later share its blessings. A gift that keeps on giving...

I know I have plenty "cares of this world" that are choking up the beauty that God intended to do in my life--His beauty to show in and through me. I have allowed the many "cares of this world" to envelop me, thus making it difficult for the rays of His blessed sunshine to shine on me.

But, like that lime tree, I will not lose hope.

Much work still needs to be done, but nothing will get done if we don't ever choose to get started. And, the very first step is to "seek him first" (Matthew 6:33).

Overwhelming, yes.

Discouraging, yes.

Disheartening, yes.

But, this I know...

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
Philippians 4:13

Day 6: A Good Matter

God blessed me with another awesome day today.

Started the day talking to my family over the phone.

Then, spent the evening working for my former employer and old friends.

Had Thai food followed by Filipino food.

Ended the day with my favorite mochi ice cream with an old friend.

"My heart is inditing a good matter: I speak of the things which I have made touching the king: my tongue is the pen of a ready writer."
Psalm 45:1

Day 5: The Gift of Today

Today, someone blessed me with the gift of today.

God blessed me with that someone.

Today was a very beautiful day.

Day 4: An Open Door

I met a new friend.

It has been refreshing to meet new friends in the last three weeks: first, in Bangkok, then in Los Angeles, and now, with my former-now-present-secondary employer. Food seems to always have been the connecting factor :)

Not to sound utilitarian, but these people have helped me get through a difficult phase in my personal life. It's nice to have broken away from the rut that has been formed in my life over the last couple of months, even but for a moment.

A good friend told me,
"People come into your life for a reason, for a season, for a lifetime."

So, whether these new friends will be a part of me only for a season or for a lifetime, I know they came into my life for a reason. And -- for that, I will be thankful.

I may never see them, again, for we all live in different places (Cambodia, Virginia, and Hawaii) and tend to bounce from one place to the next. We may even lose touch, yet I'm just grateful that some way, somehow, they got to be a friend to me when I needed one the most.

I'm glad I kept an open door for new friendships.

But then...

I got to thinking:
Open doors are not just for new friends but for old ones as well.

Are we just friends with someone when it's convenient? When it's fun? When it's productive?

Are we just fair-weather friends?

Do we stop being friends as soon as our old friend stops being a friend to us?

Do we stop being friends now that we've just made new ones?

I'd argue that most times, that's when our "hostile friend" needs us the most. We don't need to smother, we don't need to always be physically present, we don't need to constantly call or write -- that may just make the other person more annoyed.

Sometimes, the best thing to offer to a hurting friend is the reassurance of an open door.

I was that hurting friend once. I was that hurting daughter. And, I was so desperately though quietly searching for that open door.

I eventually found that door...somewhere else.

And, it wasn't even the right door.

Thankfully, God provided another door, a way to escape--though many years later.

"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."
1 Corinthians 10:13

Let's save our hurting friends from entering the wrong doors.

As we make new friends, let's keep in mind not to be fair-weather friends.

I didn't say, be a doormat.

Doormats are for outside of the house, outside the door.

When hurting friends are being rude, hurtful, and treating us like doormats, then that's right where they should stay--outside, with the doormat. We don't have to be that doormat.

We don't need to force them back in, if all they are ready for is to be "on the doormat". We don't even need to meet them there.

But once they decide on their own to come back in because they saw that our door was never closed to begin with, they have shown humility. It may not be apparent outwardly, but their mere actions say it loudly.

When the Prodigal Son returned home to his father, his father didn't condemn him. Instead, he accepted his son with open arms, with warmth, with love, and with a merry heart.

Let's offer our hurting friends the love, warmth, and reassurance of an open door and a merry heart to come home to--to find safety, to find grace, to find God.

Oh that our friends--old and new--may find God's beauty...through us.

Oh to be a part of that beauty.

A beauty that is rare.

A beauty that is heavenly: an open door.

Day 3: Becoming More Beautiful

Some women say that beauty = revenge, especially for the men who have wronged them. When a woman recovers from a past hurt, it is said that she becomes even more beautiful.

Beauty is undoubtedly a man's weakness; God wired men to be visual that way. Add a genuine, radiant smile to that beauty and you've got these men weak at the knees. It doesn't really matter if the smile is directed at them or at some dancing butterfly.

While I do not use external beauty or a smile to exploit a man's weakness, I realized today that beauty can be created and used a different way--certainly not for revenge. Another wrongdoing doesn't correct or justify a man's wrongdoing, whether that man did it intentionally or unintentionally.

Beauty, when abused, can and will be lost.

I used to be appalled at men who would say that they are attracted to my beauty. You just can never tell the frog from the prince, and I don't really know if I'm willing to kiss too many frogs before I get to finally meet that prince!

Because of this, I have mistakenly deprived myself of appreciating the beauty that God has blessed me with--didn't He make all things beautiful? :) Instead, I have been "hiding" that beauty, and I haven't really made an effort to develop it externally or internally. I have resorted to my "default look", inside and out. I never wanted to attract any attention, as men's fleeting glances or blatant stares have caused my brain to signal, "Danger, danger!"

Now, I have decided to no longer be bothered by such looks of admiration--it doesn't matter if such a look is coming from a knight in shining armor or from just another would-be-jerk (or frog, whichever is worse). As long as I respond to such advances or ignore them with grace and modesty (and class, of course), I no longer have to employ my self-preservation tactics. I no longer have to be afraid. I no longer have to be upset. I no longer have to hide.

I'd say let them appreciate the beauty that God has created. And if, in the process, they prove to be just like the rest and not the best, if they end up hurting me again just like the very few men of my past (whether intentionally or unintentionally, directly or indirectly), then they have unknowingly blessed me with yet another opportunity to become even more beautiful...

...Oh, to become more beautiful...

...Not just externally, but more so, internally.

One argues, "How?"

I can pray for them. Every single one of them.

...Starting from the very first one who has ever wronged me...starting from the ones whom I never let into my life in the first place, to the very few who made it to my heart or its periphery at some point in my life. Recent or otherwise.

To pray without hatred, without spite, without blame...but only with love, compassion, and grace...

...God's love. God's grace. God's gift.

...And God holds the key to my heart.

"But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;" Matthew 5:44

I refuse to let them make me look ugly. I refuse to let them infect my merry heart.

Instead, I can quietly thank them for giving me additional opportunities to become even more beautiful while bringing God the glory.

There is great power in a meek and quiet but thankful spirit.

I will smile, anyway. I will be beautiful, anyway.

Beautiful inside and out--a beauty that nobody can take away from me.

A beauty that will never fade. A beauty that's only from above.

Beautiful in God's eyes.

Day 2.5: The Gift of a Merry Heart

Today, I asked God to give me a thankful spirit regardless of my emotions--and He blessed! I'm so glad I asked!!! I'm so glad I turned to Him! This reminds me of my blogpost from nearly 3 years ago when I wrote the song, "All I Need", when I was hurting so deeply...and nobody knew.

God is showing me how a spirit of thanksgiving gives way to the power of healing. God knows I have been hurting; but today, He has blessed me with healing...and the gift of a merry heart!

I may remember the pain again tomorrow--but I'm going to take His dosage of a merry-heart-medicine on a day-to-day basis for as long as He sees fit. Prescription refills are always good, and I'm glad He never runs out of the supply of grace!

"A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones."
Proverbs 17:22

My "happy pill" radiated through my smile, my actions, my attitude--and by God's grace, it affected others at work on my first day back with my former employer. Yes, the caffeine surely helped a bit, especially during an all-day orientation for new hires, but still...God's gift of cheerfulness was contagious.

Seeing familiar faces, even the same UPS guy from 10 years ago, brought a smile to my face...or even the same faces of people whom I had always seen at the food court since I was 21...and even receiving a compliment that I looked like Jackie O with my big sunglasses on!

I know I blogged about this statement once before (or more): "Hurting people are hurtful people; love them, anyway."

While it is true that "hurting people are hurtful people" for the most part, I just learned and experienced this today:

Hurting people can still be cheerful people.
Only by the grace of God...it's a choice that we constantly and consciously need to make.

A merry heart heals.

And that - in and of itself - is a miracle.

And again, I write - As with the many stories in the Bible:
The miracle came after the giving of thanks.

The pain is definitely still there; but God has sent a ray of sunshine to kiss my cheeks and give it a radiant, cheerful glow that no one can take away from me today. Only by His grace...

I will smile, anyway.

Grace.

If God were to ever bless me with another baby one day--and if it were to be a baby girl, I'll give her the middle name of Grace.

Day 2: Re-opened Doors

"Yea, mine own familiar friend, in whom I trusted, which did eat of my bread, hath lifted up his heel against me." Psalm 41:9

I remember reading this verse 2.5 years ago when I was struggling with the fact that God had slammed the door shut about going back to work for my previous employer. It was very unusual, I came very close to the point of even having my own parking space and everything else, but God had clearly closed the door.

A few months later, I ended up getting a job with my preferred employer. I had always wanted to work for this employer but had ended up accepting a job offer with my former employer ten years ago, since the phone call from my preferred employer (to recruit me vs offer me a job) came in a day late.

While working for my former employer many years back, I had always wished I had a "main job" somewhere else so that I could work for my former employer on a part-time, on-call status, since their part-time jobs paid fairly well. That was just a "side wish" of mine.

Alas! God never forgets.

Today, I not only have a "main job" with my preferred employer; I also have a part-time job with my former employer! God blessed me with what I had "casually" asked for many, many years ago.

Now, I see: When God closes (or in my case, slams) a door shut, it doesn't always mean that the door will be closed forever.

I'm glad that by His grace, I did not burn any bridges with my former employer, regardless of the injustice that was done to me. Now, I get to come back to them via a much better arrangement, an improved relationship, a win-win for all.

It simply wasn't time.

Now, it is. It's God's time. God's gift.

Then, early this morning, Satan attacks with feelings of abandonment, unfairness, loss of love. But just then, a cool whisper from above envelops me. I refuse to let such negative feelings steal my joy, my thankfulness, my peace that can only come from above.

On my knees, I begin to pray. This time, not asking for anything, but rather, with thanksgiving--despite the negative feelings that wanted to steal my heart-felt smile away.

I will smile, anyway.

As with the many stories in the Bible:
The miracle came after the giving of thanks.

I so want that miracle.

As God re-opened the doors to working for my former employer, again, so can He re-open other doors that are close to my heart. His way. His time. His choice. His best.

Until then, may I be able to live life fully, see His beauty, and be a part of that beauty.

I will smile, anyway.

***Update: As I was going through my old blogposts, I saw how my first attempt to return to my previous employer was dated nearly 3 years ago. God never forgets, even when I already have.***

Day 1: A Beautiful Experience

It's October yet again. Exactly three years ago, I embarked upon a 20-day campaign. This year, I'll embark upon a 45-day campaign as something is about to take place at the end of such a period. The campaign is about enjoying life's gifts, albeit God's gifts, while being a blessing to others--even when I'm the one who is in need of encouragement at this very moment.

Today, I decided to re-enact what happened last October as I was talking with God about my personal life and asked Him to fill in the blanks. Direction. I guess now I know better--who needs direction? All I have to do is follow. As I walked from my condo to the nearest McDonald's to have "lunch for breakfast", Southwest Chicken Salad to be exact, God enabled me to enjoy the scenery of my busy neighborhood. There's still beauty to be seen along the sidewalks: I noticed the colors of autumn in Hawaii, even if we really don't have such a thing here; I found a pomegranate tree; I also found the same baby shoes from last year hanging up on a cable wire.

During my walk, I "stumbled upon" my brother who was doing his laundry, happily content doing so. Just watching him (yes, I guess I should've helped) fold the clothes taught me a lot--and even if what he's got is something I wish I had, I still didn't end up doing my laundry today. I did enjoy the quality time with him during his laundry time.

Then, I discovered a beautiful blog called A Holy Experience. It is a blog by a Farmer's wife who is a mother to half a dozen beautiful children. She homeschools each one of them, and with that, she is blessed with the richness of staying at home with them, seeing them grow, and watching them enjoy the beauty of nature all around them--catching dragonflies, chasing herons, and enjoying the fruits of the trees in their orchard. She has a beautiful life, a beautiful family--then I realized, beauty is what we make it. Beauty is what we choose to see. Beauty is what we choose to live. When God looked at His Creation, He said it was "good". Yes, we as sinners may mess up this beautiful world, and it only gets more messed up, but it is a choice to still see the beauty around it--and more importantly, be a part of that beauty.

As I listened to the tune playing in the background while reading the blog, I was inspired to play some random tunes on my own electronic piano, as God has blessed me with the gift of music--to be able to compose music on the spot and play the piano by ear. I really should spend more time basking in the beauty of the music that God has given me while letting others share in on the experience...rather than keeping it all to myself when I tuck myself away in isolation.

The author of the blog happens to be the author of One Thousand Gifts, a New York Best Seller. My friend had told me about this book, and I asked her to accompany me to the bookstore to buy the book. Instead, she invites me to dinner with her family, who also happens to be my extended family from church. I accepted her kind invitation, and our other friend who also joined us for dinner just so happened to have the book, and she let me borrow it for a week.

Dinner near the North Shore was amazing, the company was amazing, the food was amazing, and so was the coffee from next door.

Today was simply a beautiful day--and though I have been hurting, and though I have been on my knees crying, and though I had spent most of the morning just sleeping the day away so that the pain would go away...God still blessed...and beautifully so...with such grandeur and musical overtures, my heart is overflowing with love and blessings...to the extent that I'm able to reply kindly to those who have been unkind.

If we focus less on ourselves and more on God, and more on His blessings, we will be able to see the beauty of His work all around us -- and miraculously so, we can be a part of such grand beauty.

October Notes

There's always something about April and October in the story of my life - always a combination of pain, sorrow, and joy. Through it all, God is, was, and always will be...there.

I took some notes during last night's church service, and thought I'd share. I'm pretty sure I'll need to come back to these notes one of these days, if not every day. Oh, may He wipe my sadness away.

• Sometimes, God asks you to do what doesn't make sense.
• Sometimes, the things that we are afraid of the most end up being the things that are the easiest to do.
• Most times, what He asks you to give back, He gives right back.
• God won't take anything away that's not good for you.
• It's not about your ability; it's about your availability.
• What does God have to do to get your attention?
  

Waiting Again

And again, I am learning to wait...but not just to wait...but to wait on Him.

...And that I learn to have peace and joy while waiting on Him.

Great Reminder About Riches

"Labour not to be rich: cease from thine own wisdom. Wilt thou set thine eyes upon that which is not? for riches certainly make themselves wings; they fly away as an eagle toward heaven." Proverbs 23:4-5

A Date with God

I've been quite overwhelmed lately; quite frankly, I'd like to think I've reached my lowest point...even when the important things seem to be in tact. It just goes to show how much I have drifted away from God. Life has been so demanding that I have not made it a requirement to leave some time for myself. Which leads me to this realization: I have not carved out any quality time with God, either. I desperately need this: A DATE WITH GOD.

So today, I decided to make some changes. It's interesting how external pressures beyond our control can bring us to our knees. It's sad to know that for some of us, that's what it has to take to get us to take a pause and put things in the right perspective: SEEK GOD FIRST.

On the contrary, the nice thing is, despite all of these insurmountable pressures, we have the option of not giving up. We have the best option; actually, we have THE BEST SOLUTION: GOD.

And, while we may feel that the sky is falling, and while it feels as if everything is being taken away from us and we can't do anything to stop it, there are so many Biblical truths to hold on to, and one of them is: GOD IS IN CONTROL.

We should stop worrying about losing control. Why? We were never in control in the first place. We just mistakenly thought we were; it is our pride that makes us think that. It is our pride that makes us feel capable, powerful, and sometimes even invincible. When in fact, it was God all along who allowed us to succeed by making our circumstances and environment favorable enough for us to succeed. Once He decides to change those dynamics, we will quickly realize this: WE ARE NOTHING WITHOUT GOD.

Yes, we are nothing. And, we have nothing. Everything that's in front of us belongs to Him. He is merely letting us borrow all of them, including our bodies. Everything that is, is because of Him. He is just graciously letting us be a part of it. But, despite the fact that we are nothing and own absolutely nothing in this world, as Christians, we can be assured that: GOD IS ENOUGH.

And while we may think that we are at our weakest point, without anything left to give, we should be relieved to know that we can still offer something to Him, even if it's already broken: WE CAN GIVE HIM OUR HEART.

I remember one of our church themes during summer camp: "Guard your heart." I always thought that was possible, but as I got older, I realized how difficult it was. It wasn't until today, though, that I discovered this: I'll never be able to guard my heart on my own. The best thing to do is to give my heart completely to God so that: GOD WILL PROTECT MY FRAGILE HEART.

Despite my circumstances, I am somewhat comforted to know that my heart has finally reached its fragile state. That means, it is no longer hardened, it is no longer cold, it is no longer numb. I think my heart is right where God wants it to be right now: MY HEART IS NOW IN GOD'S GENTLE HANDS.

If I can trust Him with my heart, then I should also know this: I CAN TRUST GOD WITH MY LIFE.

If I can trust Him with my life, then I should be able to believe and accept this: I CAN TRUST GOD WITH MY PROBLEMS.

And while my problems may seem really big to me, and even way bigger than me, I do know this: GOD IS BIGGER THAN MY PROBLEMS.

Now that I have been reminded of all of this, I can claim His blessing of "a peace that passeth all understanding", and since I have entrusted all of my heart to Him without leaning on my own understanding anymore, even if I do not know what to do next, I can be assured that: GOD WILL DIRECT MY STEPS IN HIS TIME, IN HIS WAY.

And when I want to talk, I know that He will be there to listen. When I do "call", I should expect this: GOD WILL SHOW ME GREAT AND MIGHTY THINGS BEYOND MY IMAGINATION.

God's solution is always way better than mine. He had a solution all along; all I had to do was call and ask him to show me! Now that I have just called upon him on bended knees, I can peacefully and confidently live my life with assurance, knowing that: GOD HAS ALREADY FIXED MY PROBLEMS.

I just need to keep an open mind, an open heart. My eyes may mistakenly be calibrated to look for solutions in the way I would want my problems fixed, but God said that He will show me "great and mighty" things which I don't know about. So, I can face the days ahead with a renewed spirit, ready to accept the consequences that may come my way as a result of the problems that I have created, knowing quite well that: GOD IS ABLE TO DELIVER ME AND HE WILL.

With that said, allow me to make a list of some inspirational stories from the Bible, stories that tell us of people whose actions show that they believe with faith that they have already been delivered, even without seeing the results just yet, even when their surroundings may still appear chaotic. And, before I make a list of these stories, allow me to share one very important point. If anything, Jesus had already made the ultimate sacrifice to deliver us. We had already experienced deliverance since we gave our heart to God and believed in His deliverance; He had already delivered us from the biggest problem: JESUS ALREADY DELIVERED US FROM HELL BY DYING ON THE CROSS FOR OUR SIN.

So in spite it all, we can live with reassurance that we are delivered beings! We can allow God to restore the joy of our salvation vs. allowing the bitterness of the world to set in by doing this: WE CAN FOCUS ON HIS BLESSINGS SO THAT WE CAN START ENJOYING THEM ONCE AGAIN.

Think about it: HOW CAN HE GIVE US MORE BLESSINGS IF WE DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO APPRECIATE THE ONES WE'VE ALREADY GOT?

Let us learn to count and appreciate our blessings, to share them with others by "emptying our cup", thus allowing God to "fill our cup" once more with even more of His blessings! So with renewed hope, I can boldly proclaim: HOLD FAST, MORE HELP AND MORE BLESSINGS ARE ON THEIR WAY!

And while waiting, I get to enjoy the ones that I've already got!!! GOD IS GOOD. STILL IS. ALWAYS HAS BEEN. ALWAYS WILL BE.

Inspirational stories from the Bible:
(There are many, but these are enough to keep me afloat tonight)

• Mary and Martha (Mary put Jesus first amid the hustle and bustle of life)
• Lazarus (Jesus tarried before raising him from the dead; "believe to see the glory of God".)
• Abraham and Isaac (God provided a lamb just in time)
• Baby Moses (his mother even got paid to take care of him)
• Hemorrhaging woman (she believed Jesus would heal her just by touching the hem of His garment)
• Jairus' daughter (Jairus believed that Jesus can raise his daughter from the dead)
  

All That I Have Left

This is what I possess right now...

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise." Psalm 51:17

Blessings in Disguise

I finally "listened" to the lyrics of this song today; been hearing it play on the radio every morning to work but never really paid attention. Beautiful message. So appropriate for today. Makes me want to tear up.

Blessings
by Laura Story

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
Visit http://www.xtralyrics.com
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?

Relinquishing My Desire To Write

On this day, the twenty-first day of June, in the year two thousand eleven, I hereby relinquish any and all desire to write the story of my life on my own. I never owned the pen in the first place, only a pencil. In my thirty years of life, I have finally come to the realization that my major successes have not been authored by me, but by God, and that I had a hand in all of my failures by making the wrong decisions. Yet, He so masterfully, patiently, and lovingly continues to smooth the rough edges caused by my mistakes, and turns it into something beautiful for His use.

I will still set goals, I will still dream, and I will still hope. But, I will also be open to the curve balls that God will throw my way. May I not resist, and may I fully trust Him, instead. As Noah trusted God to provide the specs for building the Ark, I trust that He will also reveal more and more parts of the blueprint of my life as He sees fit.

A Raging Sea

Posting this video today...for a reason...

Sometimes, I feel like changing the lyrics from:

"There's a raging sea right in front of me"

to

"There's a raging see right inside of me"

Paperwork Avalanche

Buried in an avalanche of paperwork, with more on the way. I need to get my act together!

Once upon a time, I thought I had a good handle on things. I had even the most seemingly unimportant things down to a formula. I'm serious. Then, I got burned out to the point that I act as if I do not care (when I secretly do).

Thankfully, God reminded me about Philippians 4:6 as I was typing the last sentence of the second paragraph above.

"Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God."

Here's an attempt to parse this out:

1. "For nothing"
   
   In this Scripture verse, to "be careful" means to "be anxious". And it says to be anxious "for nothing". If I were to remove myself from the situation, I can objectively say that such "nothingness" is inclusive of the trouble that I had caused and continue to cause due to my own neglect--it does not matter if it's a result of being overwhelmed due to lots and lots of changes that have brought about "cumulative, unprocessed stress". What am I worrying about then?
   
   
2. "In everything"
   
   It simply says to pray about everything. Using deductive reasoning:
   
   "Once we start praying about everything, we do not and should not need to worry about anything."
   
   In the process of composing this blogpost, I am being enlightened to see the cause of my worries: I have not been praying about "every thing".
   
   
3. "With thanksgiving"
   
   Okay, I am guilty as charged on this one. I may pray and thank God for the blessings that He has given me; yet, when I'd utter my requests, I'd justify them with a sense of dissatisfaction about my current situation. I'm starting to sound like the Israelites complaining about their manna. God had essentially delivered their groceries to their doorsteps, yet they continued to fuss and complain. God had shown them that He indeed can provide "a table in the wilderness", and all they had to do was obey. God had used this situation to teach them how to be humble, and they had failed. Miserably. On that note, I feel that I, too, am failing miserably at being thankful and humble. I need to start uttering my prayer requests with a thankful spirit--"with thanksgiving".

Obviously, I have failed everything on this "test". I have been anxious about a lot of things, I have not been praying about everything, and I have not been thankful in the very few moments that I do utter and make my requests known unto God. The Bible says that we should pray without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:17), and that, I have not been doing. I have been focusing on the wrong thing--that is, worrying about the small stuff (you know, the things that have been causing my stress) vs. focusing on the big stuff (my relationship with God). God is definitely bigger than my problems; but, if I am to keep on amplifying and magnifying my problems as if they were bigger than God, then I'd be on my way to a downward worrisome spiral. On the other hand, if I were to magnify God, my problems would look a lot smaller. Hence, I'd be able to be anxious about nothing!

I started this blogpost simply to vent. I'm glad that each time I'd write on here, God would prick my heart with a timely Scripture verse to convict me to get back on track. Getting back on track--hmmm, I remember that blogpost from 3 years ago!

A Song About Dad

[Father's Day is fast approaching. This song is for Dad. He passed away in 1994.]

It was in 1907
It was the year he was born
Oh, I just can't imagine
What it was like back then

And he told me these stories
From the 1930's
It was the Great Depression
They sold apples back then

People selling their houses
Living cold on the streets
Daddy knew this was coming
And he always had something to eat

Many things has he taught me
Many things have I seen
Even though when he left me
I was struggling within
When he held out his hand
On his deathbed to show
"I will love you forever
But, it's time to go..."

I remember the time when
I was six years old then
He had bought me a puzzle
To learn each State's capital

He made me put them together
With my eyes closed to wonder
If I'd finish it faster
With each piece facing down

I remember each President
From beginning and back
Daddy knew I could do better
And made me think even harder

Many things has he taught me
Many things have I seen
Even though when he left me
I was dying within
When he held out his hand
On his deathbed, I know
He would hold me forever
But, it's time to let go...

I don't want to let go...

Dad...

I wish I had hugged you tight that night
I wish I had never left your sight
You reached out your hand
But I kept mine
Because I had thought
"It's not yet time..."

It's time...
Oh, it's time...

Many things has he taught me
Many things have I seen

Oh, it's time...

I will love you forever
It's okay to let go....

Oh, it's time...

A Song for Mom

[I wrote this song for my mom for Mother's Day]

Mom, I'm so sorry
For all the heartache
Now, it's but a memory
I don't want to recreate
Now that I've grown
I have seen the love you shown
I wish that I had known this from the start

Thank you, Mom, for loving me
I know that you'll be there for me
Through all the good times and the bad
I know you've always prayed for me
I wish that I had known this from the start
But now, I feel
The love that's in your heart

Mom, please forgive me
For all the agony
I've said things I shouldn't have
If only I could take them back
Now that I'm grown
And now that my own kids are born
I wish that I could love them with your heart

Thank you, Mom, for loving me
I know you've always cared for me
Through all the good times and the bad
I know you've always stood by me
I wish that I had seen this from the start
But now, I see
We're always in your heart

And I just thank our dear God
For this sweet second chance
To show you how much you mean to us
Across the miles that sever us

Mom, I'm so sorry..

I wish that I had shown you from the start
But now I see
I clearly see
We're always in your heart

Now I know
I hope you know
You're always in my heart

To Love Me Doubly

To love my children is to love me doubly.

As a child, I had mistakenly thought that my mom didn't really love me, or that she loved me less. As I got older, I realized that she was just communicating love in different ways, when I was expecting her to show me love in another way. Reading the book about the "Five Love Languages" has really enlightened me. The principle, "Seek first to understand, then to be understood", from the book, "7 Habits of Highly Effective People", really rings true. Now that I understand my mom better, she has come to understand me, too.

The ways she has demonstrated her love to me in my adult years have been very powerful and moving. I started realizing this when she kept an open door and still supported me emotionally and spiritually as I struggled through a difficult marriage. She did not shut me out, neither did she pressure me to do anything to improve my situation. She simply "was there" for me through prayer and offered her support in any way she can without judging me. Yes--without judging me. I shall forever hold that dearly.

It has been six years since that chapter of my life had ended, and now comes a new chapter. I think it's a more challenging one, actually. I am currently living away from my children, but my mom is diligently, dutifully, and lovingly taking care of them, by God's grace. She calls and treats them as her very own--and that speaks to me even more powerfully. I do not feel jealous one bit that she loves them so much that she even claims that they are her children. I am honored that she thinks that way, and I feel even more blessed that my children give her the love that she deserves--the love that I should have given her but didn't.

While my mom is loving me doubly by loving my children like her very own, I am extremely happy that she is receiving twice as much love from two of my boys in return.

With this, I can say that I truly have no regrets about having children at an early age, while my mom is still blessed with good health and a sound mind. I want her to enjoy having grandchildren while she is able--and I can see how God has already blessed her with that even through my mistake of getting married too soon.

Lessons Learned from Ruth

I am currently reading the book of Ruth, and noticed that Ruth exhibited at least 15 positive character traits in the first 3 chapters:

1. Compassionate
2. Kind
3. Helpful
4. Selfless
5. Determined
6. Proactive
7. Respectful
   
8. Hard-working
9. Humble
10. Thankful
    
11. Obedient
12. Modest
13. Not materialistic
14. Trustworthy
    
15. Patient

It's amazing to note how Ruth exhibited these traits despite her current situation--more so, despite the change in her situation. Instead of complaining, she continued to do what she thought was right--even if she had seemingly better options, even if it wasn't her responsibility to take care of Naomi in the first place. She didn't primarily worry about taking care of her own needs; in return, God took care of her in His own way (in a much better way).

This is a challenge for me. I need to remember that it is possible to exhibit all 15 character traits without allowing my current circumstances to control me. I just need to remain faithful in what it is that I'm supposed to be doing, while allowing God to take care of the rest. I hope that, like Ruth, I get to be a blessing to others along the way.

April's Milestones

It's April, yet again...

For some reason, April has been momentous for me since the year 2000. If I were to copy/paste the sequence of events every April following my very first blog post in April 2008, it would look like this:

April 2000: College Graduation
April 2001: Got married
April 2002: Diego was born
April 2005: Marriage Ended (Divorce finalized a year later)
April 2007: New career in Orlando
April 2008: Another New Beginning
---------------------------------------------
April 2009: Accepted a job offer with my previous employer only for the deal to fall through
April 2010: Decided to temporarily leave my children in Florida
April 2011: A milestone - something my boyfriend and I have discussed

Yes, you read that right. I now have a boyfriend. Finally. As I resurrected this blog after having read all of my previous blog posts, I saw how seemingly opposed I was to the idea. I may say that I'm open to it at certain sections of certain blog posts, only to be followed by another one that counters it. For some reason, I can't seem to remember how I was back then, especially as it related to being in a relationship. All of this changed since December 8, 2010; and, I don't really want to look back.

However, I do remember receiving lectures mainly from my closest friends and family whenever it comes to dealing with men (or suitors, to be exact). They have seen many guys show interest, only to find out that I have turned them away--intentionally and unintentionally (mostly intentionally). If unintentionally, it's because I really wasn't interested. Curious, maybe, due to the prodding of friends and family. Perhaps, I was just being compliant but secretly non-compliant. The thing is, I keep being told that I shouldn't treat guys a certain way, that I should open up more--and to say the least, give them a chance. In my head, I'd say, "Not a chance," or... "Fat chance." Yes, sarcastic at best. In my head, I thought: "If it's meant to be, it's meant to be, even if I were to mess up in my "dealings" with him (according to the standards of my friends and family re: fundamental courtship)...I don't need to adjust my ways and act like someone who I am clearly not. If God gives me a boyfriend, then I'll have one. No pressure." I continued to have this mindset for a while re: having a boyfriend--didn't ask for one, didn't search for one, didn't long for one.

Then the unexpected happened. I suddenly announced in December 2010 that I finally have a boyfriend! Everyone seemed shocked! Friends and family never heard me talk about him as much as I would talk about other guys. Well, that's because I'd only tell them about guys whom I don't really like or at best, uncertain about. They'd either try to talk me into it or tell me it's not worth it. Here's the thing: Not liking my boyfriend wasn't the issue; being uncertain about him wasn't the issue, either. Therefore, I did not need to talk to them much about him. Best of all, I did not have to change anything about myself just to be in this relationship. I did not have to think about being "more open", neither did I have to worry about "giving him a chance". It all just happened...naturally. And, I was the least suspecting, therefore I got to be myself all the more.

One thing that's special about us is that we have known each other since we were kids. What's interesting is that he has a part in the very first "April" of my timeline above--that is, my college graduation in 2000. That's when we saw each other last. I had no idea he liked me. What's even better? The last item on my timeline, the "milestone", is all about him, too. He's the first and last item on my April timeline so far, and in case you're wondering, that's all unintentional.

I mainly wrote this blog post to reflect. I hadn't blogged anything in 2010 on here. You see, I had different goals for 2010, and I had gone through the year thinking that I had wasted it. Not being able to get my kids back in the Fall (although they already had return flights, which we wasted, by the way) due to work contract uncertainties was a big factor that added to my disappointment. Instead of being thankful for my R&R from motherhood, I have grown weary, despite the fact that they are being well taken care of and well provided for by my family.

In addition, I finally have a job that I had never dreamed possible--a job that most people envy. It is a job that allows me to use my imagination, my creativity--one that fuels my adventurous spirit and that of others. It is a job with a top-tier company, an assignment with a prestigious client, a functional role that's in hot demand, a job title that sounds kinda nice, with flexible hours and work arrangements to boot. If I were to add an extra layer of detail, dare I say that I am currently dual-hatted and both assignments are equally coveted. Yet, I forget the significance of this every single time.

I continue to carry over the dissatisfaction of 2010 into 2011, when I had just named 3 BIG blessings that God has so graciously given me in 2010. These "gifts" are among the most important things in my life, next to God, namely: a great relationship with my boyfriend, wonderful childcare, and gainful and meaningful employment. If anything, I should be very, very happy that I have all three gifts "in tact". If one of these were to get "dislodged" or "displaced", I'd be beyond distraught. I really should be thanking God for these major blessings rather than stressing over the problems that are not as important. It's difficult to be thankful when even just one thing isn't going your way--well, at least that is the case for a brat like me. On that note, I now feel extremely blessed that my boyfriend, my children (as well as my mom and my extended family), and my employer have been very patient and gracious with me--and more importantly, that God has been very loving and kind, in spite of me.

I should focus more on being thankful and less on the fact that I don't seem to have the same level of control that I used to have in my situation. Such control is but a false perception because truthfully, God is in control. He just wants me to be responsible--which is, by the way, difficult to do when you're being unthankful. God even made a way for me to stop being so unthankful by giving me the greatest gift I could ever receive in 2010--my boyfriend. He makes me SO happy :)

Digging deeper:

Everything happens for a reason.

• If I hadn't moved out of Hawai'i to move to Florida, I would not have gained the experience required to have my current job in Hawai'i.
  
• If I hadn't gotten this job in Hawai'i, I wouldn't probably be on Facebook (my job requires me to be on Facebook).
  
• If I hadn't been on Facebook, I probably would have not reconnected with my boyfriend (as he only joined Facebook to keep in touch with friends after relocating).
• If I hadn't temporarily left my kids in Florida, I would not have come to the realization that I actually want a complete family--which then led to the openness of being in a relationship.
• If I hadn't temporarily left my kids in Florida, it would have probably taken a lot longer to get to know my boyfriend in the same depth that I know him now.
• If it hadn't been for all of these trials, I probably would not be open to moving on to the next chapter of my life. I probably would have just stayed in my "comfort zone".

Now, I can't even remember what that "comfort zone" was like. I should actually thank God for getting me out of there, regardless of the cost. And, I should be thankful for the 3 gifts that He has given me--gifts that have helped me in the process as He lifted me out of that zone so that the change didn't have to be too uncomfortable or unbearable.

Life is always going to have its discomforts. I should worry less about them; instead, I should be thankful that God has blocked many of them from getting in my way. Better yet, I should learn to fully enjoy the blessings He has placed right in front of me. On top of it all, I love my God, I love my boyfriend, I love my children and my extended family, and I love my job--and, I have them all.

Here's to a new mindset, a new heart, a new chapter--yes, another new beginning, and in this case, a beautiful beginning :)

Another New Beginning

I haven't posted anything on this blog for over a year. Yes, I have been blogging on other platforms for other reasons, but in challenging times, I have found it refreshing to revisit this blog as well as share some posts with others. I miss the type of transparency on this blog and I hope to be able to blog with such passion again this year, as I approach a new decade in my life.

2010 was quite a challenging year for me--a year of complacency, to say the least...and I did it intentionally. Perhaps I was burned out? I sure was, among many other things. I thank God for still sending help through friendships, old and new...and even seasonal.

Here's to yet another new beginning, another new chapter in my life! Amazingly, my very first post on this blog was about "A New Beginning". That was 3 years ago.