What Gives God Joy

The theme of Psalm 147 is about "What Gives God Joy". Although God created everything, His greatest joy comes from our genuine worship and trust. God is greater than all of our problems, all of our fears, all of our troubles...isn't He worthy of our praise?

A Chapter Ends

Last week was truly a trying week. Amid my already-hectic personal schedule, I had to help out with at least 6 emergencies that weren't really my own (from a humanistic standpoint). Before sinking into a mire of despair, I called upon my Heavenly Father for help...and He gave me a mother's loving touch to weather the storm (in my case, it seemed to be more like a series of hurricanes...must be hurricane season, inside and out...proof that I'm now a Florida resident).

My body has a way of telling me when I've had enough. I would always experience severe back pain that the doctors could not explain...and painkillers aren't much help, if at all. At approximately 11:00PM on a Thursday night, I found myself frantically getting inside my vehicle with my screaming and kicking 2-year-old (try waking up a toddler in the middle of his sleep). Barely able to get my keys in the ignition, God guided me to safely find my way to my mom's house. By God's grace, the pain went away as the week came to an end.

As the end of the 3rd quarter approaches as this week begins, I am already faced with 2 significant changes that just took place in the last few hours. I would not have welcomed either of the two had this unexpected event taken place earlier. God certainly knew how to "prep" me for this change, and now, it is something that I have learned to embrace, accept, and appreciate...something that I realized I needed after all (it took me 2.5 months + exposure to new people + new experiences + a dose of love + humility to figure this out).

This is just another reminder that God's plan is much better than mine. His timing is much better than mine. As I close one short chapter of my life and open up a new one today, I am excited to see what God has in store for me this week and the years beyond. May He continue to use me to positively affect the lives of others for His glory.

As the song's chorus goes:
Many things about tomorrow, I don't seem to understand; But I know Who holds tomorrow, And I know Who holds my hand.

The Best Years

2005 and 2006 were undeniably the best years of my adult life so far. I keep looking back to those years, thanking God for allowing me to experience them, while constantly asking why He uprooted me out of them...

As Job said in Job 1:21, "The LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD."

What I've lost doesn't come close to what Job lost. What I've left behind doesn't come close to what Jesus had left behind to come to Earth in the form of a Man to die for our sins. Yet, my heart is heavy. It's been heavy for 1.5 years now, and I know that only God can lift this heavy burden...the big "why". Have I completely shared this with anyone? No. Do I want to? Maybe not. Should I? I don't know. I can't even express it. I can't rationalize. Most times, I don't even want to deal with it. It weighs me down. Others may think it's not a big deal. To me, it is. If it's important to me, it's important to God.

I keep looking back to when I was 24-25 years old. It was the time when God had freed me from an abusive relationship up until He moved me out of Hawai'i. Those were awesome times. They may have been extremely busy times, but life finally felt "normal" then. I felt free. I felt more capable and available to be there for my family when they needed me. I felt in control. I felt secure. I was extremely comfortable. Then, my foundations shook. Should I have allowed them to be shaken? Should I have turned my back on those who needed me? Should I have just stayed put? Did I make the wrong decision to move to Florida? Did God not speak to me and assure me that I was doing the right thing? Was that only a figment of my imagination? Was I just hearing things? Was I truly trusting God? Am I following God's plan or my plan? Am I where I am supposed to be? Am I doing what He wants me to do? Have I been making the right decisions? Am I basing my actions on things that would justify the decisions that I made, whether they were right or wrong? Is it time to hit the breaks, with the humbling realization that I've made the wrong choices? If I continue to tread down the wrong path, course correction would become more difficult, painful...it would only take longer, and I'll miss out on the right opportunities. Is it time to course-correct? Is there a need to course-correct???

I know God is at work. I can feel His heavy hand on my shoulders. I know He is in control of my life. I know He's there. I know He'll always be there. I know that if He takes something so special and important away from me, He will replace it with something better. He has done this to me many times. I just have to be patient. I need to learn to trust and wait, with joy in my heart...even if things don't seem to unfold the way I want them to and I feel like I have failed myself, my family... Above all things, I do not want to fail God by turning my back on Him. Failing that would mean failing everything else.

Where am I, God? Where am I in Your plan? I'm lost without You. I'm staying put until You lead me elsewhere. Until then, I'll obey your commandments, heed Your Word, and continue to serve You by serving others. Help me to tap into Your strength, not mine, so I don't get burnt out...until then, Lord...until then. Give me love, joy, peace, patience, and wisdom...until You call me home. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Facing the Giants

I highly recommend watching this: Facing the Giants



Uncovering Leadership Potential

Memories at Sweet 16

I remember doing something like this for our Youth Ministry 11 years ago (remember, Quincie?). It was an awesome experience...something I'd do all over again...though I'm no longer a teenager, and I'm almost 30!!! Good thing it's never too early or too late to serve God!

Calendar or To-Do List?

Want my attention? Need things to get done? The key is to get on my calendar, not on my To-Do list. I even need to make an appointment for and with myself!

Thankfully, God isn't anything like me! Thank God, we don't need to make an appointment to have a "meeting" with Him. He always has an open door policy and we can come to Him anytime, anywhere through prayer. He'll take care of us, even if we're not on His calendar! Isn't it awesome that God is above time? That's how great He is! Better yet, it's just wonderful to have a personal relationship with God. It's the best relationship you'll ever have! Want to start that relationship today? Click here now!

Orlando World Outreach Center

I don't normally "church-hop" unless I'm out of town, and I don't like missing church, even when I'm green, sick, and dying...

This morning, I accompanied my roommate, Alissa, who was invited to attend the worship service at the Orlando World Outreach Center. Two main points struck me:

• God Himself is a relational God.
• Relationships are greater than accomplishments.

As the Pastor talked about being "Formed For His Family", he shared the following outline:

Those who are in God's family...
1) Trust the same Father
2) Trust the same Savior
3) Trust the same Spirit
4) Trust the same Word

Note: Sameness is not the bond that keeps us unified...it's knowing and trusting the same Savior!

If you don't have a church family, I encourage you to find one where you can fellowship, learn, grow, and serve together. Get plugged in!!!

On the Road to Self-Discovery

So, it's already September, and I'm still working on getting my 2007 taxes filed. As I re-opened my files, I actually surprised myself! I had already gotten my taxes done in December 2007, and was simply awaiting other documents to arrive in the mail by January or February. Because I had done them so long ago, I couldn't even remember the progress I've made!

Then, I paused for a second, and thought to myself, "Wow! I was so organized back then. What changed in 2008? What happened?"

2008 has undoubtedly been extremely eventful in all different facets of my life. I'll need a whole lot more time and whole lot more blog posts to narrate them. However, I can't help but notice my lack of focus, recently. I normally can zone in on tasks with ease and speed, regardless if they are enjoyable or not. At least, when my left brain is working...

Aha! That's it--"when my left brain is working!!!" Lately, I've re-embraced my love and passion for music. Seconds ago, I just realized that any type of music distracts me from being "left-brained". Music connects with my right brain, and it is my right brain that puts me back in touch with my passion for music and the arts. I typically engage in such artistic activities of self-expression at a more leisurely pace. With that said, music causes me to approach other time-sensitive projects at a significantly slower rate. Not good.

According to Ecclesiastes 3:1, "There's a time for everything..." Right now, it is time to turn the music off. About an hour ago, I asked God to help me put my finger on whatever has been causing me to lose focus. He sure did provide a quick answer to my prayer!!! A problem identified is a problem half-solved!

Okay, now it's time to finalize my taxes...

27.5: Confessions of An Unemotional Person

I'm now officially 27.5 years old. In the last 48 hours, God has used my friends, Alissa and Jamina, to indirectly remind me that I must reaffirm others about the way I feel about them. While I never really had any trouble with praising people about their strengths, I never thought that I was actually missing something more important. That is, people want to know what and how you feel about them! I've just never felt the need to express "the obvious" to those who are important to me, until I realized that what's obvious to me may not be obvious to others. At the same time, it has always been much easier (and safer) for me to stay impersonal (sharing what I think, i.e. praising others for their strengths) than "get personal" (sharing how I feel).

I'm still learning. I've finally made some baby steps in expressing such things via written messages without expecting any responses. To my surprise, my efforts were warmly welcomed and appreciated by my family, close friends, and coworkers! I never thought that something so "simple and obvious" would be so greatly accepted and immediately celebrated!

Now, I just have to learn how to express it verbally without feeling awkward. I acknowledge that this is an area that I must completely and immediately surrender to the Lord so that I can more effectively share His love with others. I need to learn how to love with God's love. If I were to love others using my own strength, I will fail without a doubt...and I will do so horribly. Why? I'm afraid of the many disadvantages that come with the emotion. Love has always been one of my greatest fears. Among many other risks, love exposes you to rejection which often leads to pain, anger, bitterness, sadness, depression, etc., or creates a way for others to take advantage of you, which then leads to resentment, etc.

As I asked God to help me "search my heart", I came to a realization that I've been sharing love sparingly. While this may not be apparent to others, I know in my heart that I've never ever fully opened up myself to anyone, and sadly, this includes my family. I've always treated love with a lot of caution, only to be shared to a certain extent (calculated risk) so that the pain wouldn't be as great, thus allowing me to move on much quicker. As a result, I've never really allowed myself to get too close to anyone, so saying good-bye was never really a problem. It is very humbling to discover that after 27.5 years, I have not fully invested myself in any relationship. Though very little, I can honestly say that the amount of love I've shared and continue to share with others is pure and genuine. However, I know that God can use me more if I were just to let go and let God work through me to show HIS LOVE, not mine, at a much larger scale.

I grew up in a very loving home. I had no doubt that my family loved me dearly so I was never insecure and thus didn't search for it elsewhere. I did not need an extra outlet, i.e. a boyfriend, from which to receive love. But, as I look back, something was missing. I never felt safe expressing my thoughts and emotions (except with my dad, but he passed away when I was only 12). As an INTP representing only 1% of the population (and of that 1%, only 1% are female), I was clearly an odd-ball, starting from my childhood years. Whenever I'd express my feelings, I'd either get shot down quickly, misunderstood, misjudged, criticized, and viewed as "different". I'd cry and lock myself up in my room due to the injustice done, and wouldn't come out until the next day when it was time to go to school. No one even bothered to ask how I was feeling (the only person who made a few inconsistent attempts here and there was my brother, Jacob...which explains why I never hated him despite my perception that he was my mom's favorite). This would happen multiple times until I slowly learned how to pre-occupy myself with other things that worked (at an early age, I've always been fascinated with the discovery of how to make things work), and I got really good at it. As time passed by, I spent less and less time crying and sulking, and invested more and more time in other "productive" activities (alone), because such activities gave me a sense of accomplishment. Then, one day, I made the decision to stop investing any more time, energy, and emotion in people, particularly my mom, as this would result in "no more tears". I felt that the tears just hindered me from accomplishing those other things that worked for me. I had no time for tears. My mom started to see the difference, and in retrospect, I can now see how she tried to express her feelings of sadness and disappointment with me as a result of my rejection. At that point, it was too late. I had completely shut down, emotionally. Her words, even her tears, meant nothing to me. They just got in my way. I was too busy. And, when my dad passed away, my sense of independence only got even stronger. Yes, I was still expressive, cheerful, and energetic, but I just wasn't in tune with my own feelings or that of others (little did they know). My mom truly felt the scorn, with or without any words spoken by me, intentionally or unintentionally.

In the last 7 years, God has used many events in my life that would form a bond between us, and by God's grace, it's only getting stronger. While I've always been aware of this new and improved relationship with my mom, I just realized that I have never really told her how I feel about her now that God has helped us to get where we are today!

In 1997, Heather, my then roommate, found me crying in my room, and got me to open up (she was supposed to be out of town that day). Later, she would share an article from the book, "Chicken Soup for the Soul", that brought me to tears! Lots of tears!!! Since then, I started to see my mom in a whole new light; although, this would be a very slow process. Fast forward to 2008: once again, God gives me a roommate, Alissa, who is my complete opposite but one who complements my personality. I came home tonight expressing how much I appreciate my mom. She interjected, "Why don't you tell her?"

I immediately text my mom: "I love you, mom. You are the best thing God has ever given me." To which she replied: "Thanks, that's the best thing I've ever heard." The other day, mom was diagnosed with osteoporosis, and along with her many other ailments, she's now in need of knee replacement surgery. I'm tearing up a bit as I type. Looking back, I wish I could have told her of my affection more often, earlier on in my life. I always believed actions speak louder than words...my mistake was in not uttering any words at all. (/end of tears)

And then there's my brother, Jacob. We had a great childhood growing up together, and we've always been very close. But, I've never shared any of my deepest thoughts with him, until recently. In doing so, I started to also see him in a different light. Last night, I text him: "I love talking with you about "stuff" now. Wish I would've done it earlier than to have been too proud and secretive. Love you ugly, you are a pal." His reply was: "Pleasure to listen, I love you. Goodnight."

I never thought this blog would be this long. I was about to end it at the second paragraph, but God moved me to write more when I didn't really feel like opening up. I trust God would use this to move readers who have experienced or are experiencing the same challenges. I challenge you to go beyond the impersonal, politically correct, safe zone, and add a "personal touch of God's love" to whomever God brings your way...starting with those who are very important to you. You will only miss out on God's blessings if you'd continue to hold back. I know I did, and I'm glad that, with the help of God's Spirit, I've uncovered some hidden treasures once again!

...And I always mistakenly thought, "Nothing major is wrong with me!" Look deep down inside, you'll be surprised at what you'll find! Use King David's prayer as a guide:

"Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:"
Psalm 139:23

Reflections of Love

Recently, a new friend suggested that I read the book, "Practicing in the Presence of People." I'm pretty passive, spontaneous, and easygoing when things aren't work-related, so I just readily agreed without asking any questions.

As I read the prologue, something caught my attention:

"In the stillness, love grows deeper. Following the death of my mother, my father often said, "I only wish I could have loved her while she was still here the way I do now." This is the goal of contemplation: to love right now as we will in heaven."

I'm now tempted to wonder why this book had been recommended. But then again, this is not work-related. So, I'll just go with the flow. Let go, and let God. Reading this book will be an interesting journey. I look forward to posting more meaningful thoughts on this blog as I progress. It may just inspire me to write/compose another song!

In Jesus' Arms

In Jesus' Arms

It's cold, it's dark
I'm all alone
I can't describe
My heart is torn
Searching for the answers to
My questions and my pain
Longing for a Savior to
Just free me from my chain

But God knows all my fears
He'll wipe away my tears
When no one else can see me hurting
And deep inside I feel like dying
To find my way back home
In Jesus' arms

I'm hurt, I'm scared
I'm beaten down
I can't express
My feelings now
Searching for a Friend to see
The fragile side of me
Longing for a Savior to
Just pour His love on me

My God knows all my fears
He'll wipe away my tears
When all the world around me's laughing
He alone can see me crying
I'll find my way back home
In Jesus' arms
In Jesus' arms...

In Jesus' arms I'm safe forever
He alone will leave me never
My Jesus, Savior, Friend
My Everything

My God knows all my fears
Oh, He'll wipe away my tears
When all the world around me's laughing
He alone can see me crying
I'll find my way back home
Oh, I'll find my way back home
I'll find my way back home
In Jesus' arms
In Jesus' arms
In Jesus arms

Reset: I'm an Introvert!

A great revelation came about just a few hours ago. I just discovered that my true personality is quite different from what I had always thought it to be! My perception happened to be in line with how others saw me, how they expected me to behave, and what I felt I had to be so that I could take action on unmet "societal" needs. I now am aware that being an ENTJ was a learned behavior on my part, as this is what has made me effective in my dealings with people and systems. No wonder I would always express the desire to break free and get away whenever there's an overabundance of stimuli! In addition, the move to Florida has been a big kick out of my comfort zone geographically, psychologically, and "behaviorally"...and to a certain degree, emotionally.

As I engaged in some introspection then and now, it has become apparent that I'm actually an INTP at its core. As I read through my past blogs, it is a clear indication that I'm a true introvert! I know this is hard to believe, but this is the truth from childhood and on up. So I can either choose to be like Bill Gates (ENTJ) or Albert Einstein (INTP). I'd say, "none of the above", for I aim and strive to be more like Christ each day, according to the Scriptures! I am "fearfully and wonderfully made" as God said in the book of Psalms, and I am fashioned by the Master's loving hands. Therefore, I am confident that only He knows me inside out, and that "He's Still Working On Me"!

Yes, it can definitely get quite frustrating at times when not too many people are able to understand me, given that my personality type is only 1% of the population (according to Keirsey's book, Please Understand Me II), and the majority of that 1% population is male. That makes it even worse! My biggest desire has always been to understand others (a select few), and this is hard when such people don't even understand me! More so, after all these years, I never really truly understood myself!

I thank God for bringing this to my attention. I feel led to believe that He is revealing a great truth to me in such a way that I needed to rediscover myself to uncover additional strengths that He wants me to use for His glory!

I believe I've just hit yet another major milestone. I wonder what the next major milestone will be. Only God knows. Only time will tell.

Time to reset, time to renew, time to let go of what's been holding me back in the last 6 months...time to let God.

Lawnmower Lessons

After a few missed appointments and a series of heavy rain, my lawn has just gotten out of control. In church last night, the guest speaker shared how he unexpectedly learned some valuable life lessons while mowing his own lawn (apparently, his yard guy failed to do his job, too). This inspired me to get my own lawnmower today.

I never realized how (finally) mowing my own lawn would bring a sense of community within our neighborhood. Our neighbors and friends came out to cheer me on as I gave my lawn a mohawk (at least, that's what they said). Unfortunately, I did not get to finish it because it had already gotten dark. It's a work in progress, a masterpiece in the making :)

I have blogged about my lawn before--that it had taught me a lesson--about grass being greener on the other side because it's greener where it is actually watered. This time, it served me another purpose: to reach out to my neighbors and vice versa.

Mowing your own lawn isn't so bad after all. Just make sure you get a self-propelled lawnmower! I can't believe I actually had fun while doing it!

"And whatsoever ye do, do [it] heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;" Colossians 3:23

Great Question

"Have you ever wanted something so badly - hunted, searched, prayed - then when you found it, you realized that maybe it wasn't exactly what you wanted, but it was definitely what you needed?"

Meditating on: Psalm 84

Unmet Expectations

I could be wrong, but I feel I have very simple/minimal/basic expectations of people whom I've chosen to care about (truthfully, I don't even have any expectations whatsoever of those who aren't close to me). The downside to this is that, when such seemingly simple expectations are unmet after a seemingly reasonable period of time, I get frustrated. Being innately expressive and/or direct doesn't help during such times of frustration, especially when the object of one's frustration happens to be a sensitive individual. My natural tendency would either be to a) tell it as it is, without any regard for the other person's feelings, or b) dismiss the situation, withdraw, and discontinue investing any more time and/or emotion into the matter or worse yet, the person.

My logic would reason that I've already invested enough valuable resources and during the (due) process, opened myself up beyond my perceived level of comfort to allow the other person to open up so that I can see more clearly through his/her lens. It's difficult for me to process information without the right amount of timely feedback (for me, negative feedback is good feedback because it's still feedback, whereas no feedback can be easily misinterpreted as silent rejection) because this leads to making assumptions, and I hate making assumptions because this not only increases chances of error, it is also very time-consuming. Who likes making mistakes and wasting lots of valuable time? All I want is to be able to understand. Agreement is desired but optional. Differences in opinions, values, and beliefs are to be respected, and in some cases, even celebrated.

Just by reading the first two paragraphs, the average reader may conclude that I'm a cold, insensitive, uncaring, unreasonable, stubborn, and impatient perfectionist! All of this is true (and more) when I'm operating "in the flesh". Some would argue that I don't express my intense emotions enough when all I'm trying to do is apply the "fruits of the Spirit" such as meekness and temperance (self-control)! The Bible teaches to "speak the truth with love", and that's what I am striving for in times of frustration. This is the best alternative (option c) compared to options a and b, above.

Even as a child, I would "preach": "Don't expect, just accept." This is hard to apply in communication, especially when clear, concise communication (no hinting, please!!!) is very important to you. The process is broken when feedback (specifically, quality feedback) is not present. Therefore, quality communication calls for quality and timely feedback, hence the "expectation".

I'm not one to readily communicate openly to others (if at all). For me, open communication, i.e. deep, meaningful conversation, is a form of giving. Using that premise, I must therefore apply the principle of giving unconditionally. Does this mean I should then continue to openly communicate without expecting any feedback of some sort? If so, the same average reader can now also call me self-centered and inconsiderate. In such cases, one is inclined to question if one's presence was appreciated in the first place, which breeds an internal dialogue that may lead to broken relationships that have no real closure.

This is very humbling at best. I then ask God for a gift of "discernment" so that I know that the words I communicate are truly helping (vs. hurting or annoying) the recipient. The Bible teaches that "a word spoken in due season is good"; which means that even a good word spoken at the wrong time could be useless or even harmful.

A good lesson can be learned here:
If quality and timely feedback is to be expected, then the sender of the message must first carefully ensure that the message being transmitted is also timely and of high quality.

Garbage in, garbage out. What kind of message are you sending? Evaluate the type of feedback you have been receiving. Chances are, it only reflects the type of message you sent out in the first place. What you sow, you reap. Anything positive beyond that is exceptional and is therefore called "grace". In this context, grace is defined as "getting what you don't deserve." In essence, don't expect any more than what you put in.

"Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer." Psalm 19:14

So, are you ready for a second chance??? Thank God He's a God of "Second Chance", as one beautiful song puts it.

Sad

Time and again, I have heard people say that I'm extremely hard to read, and that I have a very complex personality.

Only God knows how sad I have been feeling lately. By God's grace, I was able to block out this emotion and enjoy the beautiful day He has blessed me with this Labor Day. At the end of the day, however, the truth still kicks in, and the emotion is still there.

"And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dove! For then would I fly away, and be at rest." Psalm 55:6

"Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?" Psalm 56:8

I have always had a tough time expressing any type of emotion that would reveal my deepest feelings, mainly due to personality, upbringing, and preference. It's nice to see how others in the Bible have vocalized their intense feelings in such a way that would resonate with me.

My sadness prompts me to run to my Heavenly Father because He is the only One Who truly understands my thoughts and emotions. Plus, He has given us a great promise:

"Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and He shall sustain thee: He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved." Psalm 55:22

How do you respond to your sadness? Don't allow any negative emotions such as anger, bitterness, depression, etc., to kick in. Instead, "cry out" to God, like King David in the Bible did, and wait on the Lord as you claim His many promises. He alone can empower you to experience joy amid your sadness!