I'm now officially 27.5 years old. In the last 48 hours, God has used my friends, Alissa and Jamina, to indirectly remind me that I must reaffirm others about the way I feel about them. While I never really had any trouble with praising people about their strengths, I never thought that I was actually missing something more important. That is, people want to know what and how you feel about them! I've just never felt the need to express "the obvious" to those who are important to me, until I realized that what's obvious to me may not be obvious to others. At the same time, it has always been much easier (and safer) for me to stay impersonal (sharing what I think, i.e. praising others for their strengths) than "get personal" (sharing how I feel).I'm still learning. I've finally made some baby steps in expressing such things via written messages without expecting any responses. To my surprise, my efforts were warmly welcomed and appreciated by my family, close friends, and coworkers! I never thought that something so "simple and obvious" would be so greatly accepted and immediately celebrated!
Now, I just have to learn how to express it verbally without feeling awkward. I acknowledge that this is an area that I must completely and immediately surrender to the Lord so that I can more effectively share His love with others. I need to learn how to love with God's love. If I were to love others using my own strength, I will fail without a doubt...and I will do so horribly. Why? I'm afraid of the many disadvantages that come with the emotion. Love has always been one of my greatest fears. Among many other risks, love exposes you to rejection which often leads to pain, anger, bitterness, sadness, depression, etc., or creates a way for others to take advantage of you, which then leads to resentment, etc.
As I asked God to help me "search my heart", I came to a realization that I've been sharing love sparingly. While this may not be apparent to others, I know in my heart that I've never ever fully opened up myself to anyone, and sadly, this includes my family. I've always treated love with a lot of caution, only to be shared to a certain extent (calculated risk) so that the pain wouldn't be as great, thus allowing me to move on much quicker. As a result, I've never really allowed myself to get too close to anyone, so saying good-bye was never really a problem. It is very humbling to discover that after 27.5 years, I have not fully invested myself in any relationship. Though very little, I can honestly say that the amount of love I've shared and continue to share with others is pure and genuine. However, I know that God can use me more if I were just to let go and let God work through me to show HIS LOVE, not mine, at a much larger scale.
I grew up in a very loving home. I had no doubt that my family loved me dearly so I was never insecure and thus didn't search for it elsewhere. I did not need an extra outlet, i.e. a boyfriend, from which to receive love. But, as I look back, something was missing. I never felt safe expressing my thoughts and emotions (except with my dad, but he passed away when I was only 12). As an INTP representing only 1% of the population (and of that 1%, only 1% are female), I was clearly an odd-ball, starting from my childhood years. Whenever I'd express my feelings, I'd either get shot down quickly, misunderstood, misjudged, criticized, and viewed as "different". I'd cry and lock myself up in my room due to the injustice done, and wouldn't come out until the next day when it was time to go to school. No one even bothered to ask how I was feeling (the only person who made a few inconsistent attempts here and there was my brother, Jacob...which explains why I never hated him despite my perception that he was my mom's favorite). This would happen multiple times until I slowly learned how to pre-occupy myself with other things that worked (at an early age, I've always been fascinated with the discovery of how to make things work), and I got really good at it. As time passed by, I spent less and less time crying and sulking, and invested more and more time in other "productive" activities (alone), because such activities gave me a sense of accomplishment. Then, one day, I made the decision to stop investing any more time, energy, and emotion in people, particularly my mom, as this would result in "no more tears". I felt that the tears just hindered me from accomplishing those other things that worked for me. I had no time for tears. My mom started to see the difference, and in retrospect, I can now see how she tried to express her feelings of sadness and disappointment with me as a result of my rejection. At that point, it was too late. I had completely shut down, emotionally. Her words, even her tears, meant nothing to me. They just got in my way. I was too busy. And, when my dad passed away, my sense of independence only got even stronger. Yes, I was still expressive, cheerful, and energetic, but I just wasn't in tune with my own feelings or that of others (little did they know). My mom truly felt the scorn, with or without any words spoken by me, intentionally or unintentionally.
In the last 7 years, God has used many events in my life that would form a bond between us, and by God's grace, it's only getting stronger. While I've always been aware of this new and improved relationship with my mom, I just realized that I have never really told her how I feel about her now that God has helped us to get where we are today!
In 1997, Heather, my then roommate, found me crying in my room, and got me to open up (she was supposed to be out of town that day). Later, she would share an article from the book, "Chicken Soup for the Soul", that brought me to tears! Lots of tears!!! Since then, I started to see my mom in a whole new light; although, this would be a very slow process. Fast forward to 2008: once again, God gives me a roommate, Alissa, who is my complete opposite but one who complements my personality. I came home tonight expressing how much I appreciate my mom. She interjected, "Why don't you tell her?"
I immediately text my mom: "I love you, mom. You are the best thing God has ever given me." To which she replied: "Thanks, that's the best thing I've ever heard." The other day, mom was diagnosed with osteoporosis, and along with her many other ailments, she's now in need of knee replacement surgery. I'm tearing up a bit as I type. Looking back, I wish I could have told her of my affection more often, earlier on in my life. I always believed actions speak louder than words...my mistake was in not uttering any words at all. (/end of tears)
And then there's my brother, Jacob. We had a great childhood growing up together, and we've always been very close. But, I've never shared any of my deepest thoughts with him, until recently. In doing so, I started to also see him in a different light. Last night, I text him: "I love talking with you about "stuff" now. Wish I would've done it earlier than to have been too proud and secretive. Love you ugly, you are a pal." His reply was: "Pleasure to listen, I love you. Goodnight."
I never thought this blog would be this long. I was about to end it at the second paragraph, but God moved me to write more when I didn't really feel like opening up. I trust God would use this to move readers who have experienced or are experiencing the same challenges. I challenge you to go beyond the impersonal, politically correct, safe zone, and add a "personal touch of God's love" to whomever God brings your way...starting with those who are very important to you. You will only miss out on God's blessings if you'd continue to hold back. I know I did, and I'm glad that, with the help of God's Spirit, I've uncovered some hidden treasures once again!
...And I always mistakenly thought, "Nothing major is wrong with me!" Look deep down inside, you'll be surprised at what you'll find! Use King David's prayer as a guide:
"Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:"
Psalm 139:23
