I have never blogged before, and I have always avoided journaling. Pausing for a moment--worse yet, writing everything that just took place, not to mention my thoughts, feelings, and emotions--has always been beyond my comprehension and perceived as a great waste of my time. At Leadershipworks in Hawaii, Glenn Furuya teaches that one must "go slow to go fast".
After 27 years, I have finally learned how to "pause", today. It helps me re-evaluate the steps I had taken and course-correct quickly, so as not to end up in the same predicament, by God's grace. Three years ago, I had no choice but to leave a very bad marriage while 3 months pregnant. These were the years when I started to truly experience God and witness His faithfulness way beyond my finite imagination (I shall be blogging about these, separately). All I had to do was trust Him, and He did the rest. He even took care of the little things as I humbly asked Him to deliver me from the consequences of my own disobedience in being "unequally yoked together with an unbeliever".
As I moved on with life thinking that I had completely put the past way behind me, I started to feel good about myself, again. Having stayed away from dating anyone and/or hanging out with the wrong crowd, I figured I should just enjoy life a little by following my own spontaneous and adventurous spirit by taking a trip to Beverly Hills and meeting up with some of my good old friends. Without much prayer and thought, and contrary to my mom's advice, I headed out to California for the weekend, with my 2 boys (ages 5 and 2). What was I thinking this past January? What a way to start the New Year by embracing my stubborn self!
And off to a bad start: I started feeling very ill on the very first day, Saturday. The plan was to meet up with Donna, so she can take us to her church the very next day. The sudden deterioriation of my health, coupled with harsh weather, prevented me from seeing Donna that day. After taking some Tylenol, I checked in at the Beverly Hilton on Sunday morning, wishing I could still make it to church. There I was, outside of God's geographical will.
It was then when I had received a very unexpected phone call. My ex-husband had gotten sent home early from the war, and of all places, he was "in the area". After an unpleasant conversation, I started to feel excruciating pain in my back that warranted a trip to the nearest Emergency Room at Cedars-Sinai. Donna came to my rescue, however, I needed someone to take care of my 2 boys at least through Monday, if I were to get admitted. I had to swallow my pride and call their father to help out. From there, our lines of communication had been re-established.
While I had never hoped or prayed for this, we both found ourselves talking about reconciliation weeks later as he claimed a renewed relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. After all, all I had ever wanted for him while we were married was to abide in Christ's love so that we can be a complete family in the Lord. When the marriage was over, I prayed that I'd never remarry or date anyone again unless He hit me with a 2x4!
After only a very short period of time, the relationship yet again started to come to an end. As a result, I started increasing my "quiet time" with the Lord each morning so that He can help deliver me from the consequences of my own disobedience, again. I believe that back in California, I was at the wrong place, at the wrong time. Anger and bitterness started to creep in, and such strong negative feelings consumed me greatly. It began to hinder my walk with the Lord and it affected my relationship with my children.
As I paused for quite some time today, I have asked the Lord to help me in the following areas:
Identify my sin, cast them all at His feet, and forgive others.
"Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." Ephesians 4:31, 32 KJV
Trust in the Lord to order my steps.
"The steps of a [good] man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the LORD upholdeth [him with] his hand." Psalm 37:23, 24 KJV
Be a good mother and example to my 2 children, Diego and Gabriel.
"I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth." 3 John 4 KJV
Never in my life did I have the opportunity to firmly end a relationship on my own. Within a span of 5 years, I had married and divorced my first and only boyfriend, sadly with the aid of law enforcement. My previous attempts this month to put an end to my emotional affliction have been futile. Such bondage has stunted my spiritual growth and my newly-discovered desire to minister to female teenagers who may be faced with a similar situation.
Lord, I fully surrender my will to You, today. I cannot do this on my own. I cast all of my anger, bitterness, and negative actions at Your feet, so that You may search my heart and cleanse me from my sins. Order my steps and prepare me for Your service, for Your glory, so that I may be a living testimony to the children that You have entrusted with me. Enable me to be a good steward of Your many blessings so that I may effectively minister to my children and to others. Help them see only You in me so that they may be drawn closer to You. Thank You for another "second chance" at embracing a new beginning with You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
April has always been a very interesting month for me:
April 2000: College Graduation
April 2001: Got married
April 2002: Diego was born
April 2005: Marriage Ended (Divorce finalized a year later)
April 2007: New career in Orlando
April 2008: Another New Beginning
Should I start thinking about April 2009? Absolutely not in a negative sense. Matthew 6:34 (KJV) says:
"Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day [is] the evil thereof."
Therefore, each day I must:
Seek God first.
"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." Matthew 6:33 KJV
Have you ever read Psalm 37? Check it out. It may just be what you need to hear from the Lord today.
Praise God for His unfaltering Word!
